7/10- What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more.

A topic that weighs on my mind from time to time (sometimes more heavily than others) is love, dating, and all that.  Can I just say that I hate the whole game without any reprimand? Well, I do.  I always have. I know many people have issues with dating, and we’ve all had embarrassing/scarring experiences over the years. But, there’s something about being fat and dating that is just unbearable at times.  Now, I’m not talking about those of you who have never been more than 20-30lbs overweight. I’m sorry, but you won’t understand what I’m talking about. At that weight, you’re still a reasonable size; most guys won’t see you as all that different from when you’re at your goal weight.  Those of you who have ever been 100lbs or more overweight know what I mean. 

It’s the countless moments when a guy fears you might like him- you can see it in his eyes. I’ve experienced that almost my whole life.  Remember being like 10 and someone telling your crush you liked him, and he would freak, call you gross, and tell you to your face that he would never ever like you? It’s like that, but you’re an adult, and it’s no longer acceptable to push him off the monkey bars.  They get more subtle about it, but it still hurts.  Now, they make sure to bring up a girlfriend, or say how hot another girl is, hit on your friend, or simply excuse themselves out of the conversation.  It just sucks.  And the thing is, I can’t blame them. I mean, I get it. I’m not some supermodel. I’m fat.  I wouldn’t date a guy who was as overweight as I am simply because I know the absolute lack of self-control it takes to get to this point.

The flip side of that is that you get conditioned to guys treating you like that. So, when some guy comes along who isn’t such a jerk, you get interested. You start accepting the bare minimum because, well, it’s better than nothing. And when they start treating you like shit, you take it because who knows if another guy will ever want to date you again. Your self-esteem is so shot, so low, so non-existent that you actually believe you deserve it.  And there are those guys out there who can sense it. They prey on the women with low self-esteem (fat, skinny, whatever).  They treat them terribly until they’re either so bored with how much the girl has endured from them that they leave, or the girl finally wises up and dumps them.  I wish I could say I’ve fallen into the latter category more than the former, but that would be a lie. I won't go into all the details here, let's just say that I'm ashamed at what I've let guys get away with over the years.

A few of the more shameful ones I can recall are the ones who told me in one way or another that I really needed to lose weight.  They weren't wrong, but it worried me. Everyone tells you that same lie that "it's what's on the inside that counts." If that's the case, then did I not have enough to offer? Was I not smart enough? Not funny enough? Not a good conversationalist? And, frankly, it was scary to wonder about that. I mean, if I lost the weight, but nothing else changed, would I ever be enough for any guy? And if I wasn't, then what I would possibly use to explain to people why I was still single? It all just added to my own self-loathing. And it meant I continued to date guys who treated me as less than and somehow always felt like I deserved it.

As I’ve lost weight, I’ve gotten significantly more confident. I’ve been more ambitious regarding my career. I’ve finally declared my own independence by moving out on my own. I’ve taken charge of my finances. I’m getting better with so many different aspects of my life, but I still worry about dating and all that. I’ve gone on a few dates here and there since Aaron and I broke up last June. I just worry still that I’ll revert back to the fat-girl mentality. It’s been all I’ve ever really known. I now find myself wondering if I should even bother trying right now.  Maybe I should wait until I’ve reached my goal weight and then I will not have to wonder if it’s a guy like all the other guys. But then, if I’m really gaining so much self-esteem, does it really matter? I don’t know. For now, I’m open to it, still cautious about it, and just hoping that as I work on everything else, that aspect will just fall into place one of these days. 

I know this is mainly meant for weight-loss stories and what’s happening each week with all that, but I’ve been thinking about this topic for a long time, like, years. And, I wanted to share in case anyone else feels like I do too. We’re not alone. And we deserve to be loved by a good man/woman too.