7/28- Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating

Weight Loss for the Week: .5lbs

I am officially 27. I am officially in my late twenties. That still sounds so unreal. And yet, I do feel older, more mature, less inclined to want to be in my early twenties. Though I have significantly more responsibilities (and bills, oy, the bills) than I did when I was younger, I also have gained some wisdom, started my career, and taken control of my health and my life. And I am thankful for all of it, even the crappy parts/experiences. I've learned a lot about myself from those experiences- what I really value, what I'm capable of doing, all that stuff.

Well, this week has been a fun blur of activities. I celebrated my birthday with a 5:30am 4 mile walk- a sign of my changing lifestyle, a massage, manicure, and pedicure, a movie with Memaw, and finally dinner with Mom and Conor. It was a really nice day and a great way to turn 27. I appreciate all the phone calls and facebook wishes. It makes me feel so loved :)

I finished my last two days of tutoring. While I wasn't constantly working with students, I like to think I helped a few of them over the past few weeks. I also made some new friends, which was cool.  And Ashly and I had a nice girls' night complete with a walk and celebratory shakes from Sonic, haha. I said good-bye to Melissa on Thursday- I still can't believe she's moving back to Boise. Friday night, I went out to dinner with a few other residents and it was really nice, minus a few awkward moments that we'll chalk up to cultural differences. I'm really loving my apartment and the other people who live here. Woot to being a Midtowner!

Saturday, I took advantage of my new Zoo membership (thanks Mom!) by adding it to my 4 mile walk and ended up walking just over 5 miles. I was pretty proud of myself. Now, that distance needs to become my new goal until I'm ready to increase it. Then, I relaxed/napped for the afternoon. Sunshine and I went out to dinner at Huey's and decided to try out Bingo at the Five in One Social Club.  It was so much fun! Next time, we'll have to get a bigger group to go. We had four other people at our table, and out of the fifteen prizes (one per round), our table won eight of them! We each got Bingo once and two people got it twice.  Needless to say, we were not popular amongst the other tables.  Sunshine won tickets for the Brooks and the Trolley. I won five free visits to Social Club events. We're pretty happy with our haul :)

Today, I slept in a bit. I walked to IC for mass- I am still so amazed at this weather and how lovely it's been. It's simply perfect for all the walks I've been taking.  I cleaned the apartment. Then, I met Mom and a few friends for the movie "The Way, Way Back." It was a good movie, definitely worth seeing.

Okay, tip for the week (sorry, I try to either post a tip or a recipe. I'm working on getting consistent, bear with me) drink 8-16 oz. of water before each meal. Yes, you do have to pee a lot more, but it helps cleanse your system as well as prevent you from overeating. I have been doing this the past few weeks, and it does make my meal fill me up much faster.

Pictures from the week:

                                          Birthday dinner at Chiwawa's

                                     My morning buddy at Ashly's

                          Sunshine and I with our first round of Bingo cards.

                                          My prize!

Now, I'm relaxing for the night and looking over some of my books as I begin to prep my classes :)

7/21- When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we'll see

Weight Loss This Week: 0lbs

Okay, so I got in a lot of great walks this week- I actually walked a total of 22 miles this week. And I had lost a pound as of Thursday.  But, my birthday is in a few days, and I celebrated it last night. So, I ended up gaining the pound back. Hopefully, it will go away now that I'm back to normal eating habits.

I have been trying out a few new walks in my neighborhood, and it's been nice to see all the pretty houses and yards.  I really like using MapMyWalk.com to figure out routes and know exactly how far I'm walking each time. It's a good tool, I definitely recommend using it :)

I met some more teachers at SBA when I went in for my MacBook training. They were all really nice and welcoming. I also finally got my textbooks so I can start planning for the year ahead. I'm excited and nervous, so pretty much the usual. I'm really glad to know more about the MacBook, like more than how to play games and such, since it seems like a really good tool to use while teaching. I'm looking forward to using technology in a more consistent manner this year.

Tutoring was good this week. We're getting more Writing students (shocking since the school year is about to start), and that means I get to do more while I'm there. I also got to help out at the Open House we had. I felt really important as I gave a bunch of students the spiel. I always like to practice my public speaking skills, especially if it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I think we all have to do things like that to help us grow and move out of our comfort zone.

This weekend has been a lot of fun :) It started with a family birthday dinner for me and my mom. We went out for dinner, and then we came back to my apartment for cake and presents.  It was really cool to have a family celebration at my place. It makes it all even more official.  Friday, I helped Memaw make ice cream for my party, got my car checked out by Conor, and then I made a WW Pineapple Upside-Down cake. That night, I had a nice time talking with a few people on the roof (yes, the roof is my new hangout, be jealous). Then, Kerry and I went out for a late dinner and talked into the wee hours of the night. Saturday, I had a lazy morning. I got ready for my party- I wore my new earring from my dad and Diane (sorry to say the Bazinga! t-shirt did not work for that night's outfit).

I had so much fun at my party- and I think all the gals who came did too! We wen to Pinot's Palette and painted a beach scene. We had a ton of delicious food and wine to dine on while we painted. It was fun getting everyone together for this. I think we all liked our finished products too. I'm glad they all came and had a good time :)

                                    Family at the apartment for birthday celebrations

                                         WW Pineapple Upside-Down Cake
Recipe:  http://readingandeating.blogspot.com/2013/04/upside-down-and-fried.html

                                         Blowing out the candles

 
                                          Group photo with our masterpieces!

                                            Cake and ice cream

Now, time to decide where to hang up my painting before going to bed.

7/14- You want me down on Earth, but I am up in space.

Weight Loss for the Week: .5lbs

What a week.  I walked 19 miles total this week. I haven't done that in a long time. I'm glad I'm getting back into that kind of routine.  I find walking helps me think through different issues/concerns/ideas and I feel like I gain a lot of clarity from it. So, I definitely like that I am making myself wake up early to go for walks, and that I'm going on walks again in the afternoons- no more excuses, right?

I did pretty well with my meals until the weekend hit. I had a fundraiser Friday night, Girl's Night last night, and brunch this morning. O.M.G., so much good food, my stomach is incredibly mad at me now though. I still stayed within all my points, especially since I earned a ton of activity points this week, but I keep thinking I would've lost more if I hadn't splurged so much. Moderation is the key, must keep reminding myself of that fact.

Tutoring was fairly normal this week- i.e. I only helped maybe 4-5 students.  I have had my courses confirmed for SBA which meant I spent a lot of time at the tutoring center looking for activities and online resources :)  I will be teaching two sections of British Literature in their PLUS Program (for students with LDs) and four sections of Sophomore Theology (New Testament and Christian Morality).  I'm pretty excited for these and can't wait to get my materials and all to truly start planning everything.  I also get to go get some training for my MacBook which will be good- plus, I hope to meet some more of the teachers over there when I do.  Maybe I'll start remembering names?

I really appreciate all the feedback I got from my Wednesday post. It was a really hard post to finally write, and it made me almost sick to my stomach worrying what people would think when they read it. Nevertheless, it had to be said, I had to say it. And I love how much support, understanding, and love I have gotten from friends and family members who have read that post. I appreciate all the comments and messages from everyone. I also really like that it has started some good dialogue between myself and others about the subject.

It kills me to hear what other people have gone through due their own insecurities and issues. It kills me that so many people don't feel like they can or should talk about it. It kills me that I felt like that for so long. We have to be able to talk about those kind of issues. I'm afraid of what can happen if we don't.  I had so many friends this week tell me issues they knew about with my exes, but they didn't know how to say anything at the time- or they felt like they couldn't say anything and have me be responsive. Maybe they were right, maybe when I was that low, I wouldn't have listened to what they wanted to say. Who knows. From now on, I sincerely hope that changes. 

The other repeated conversation I have had is about how everyone wants to make it clear that they never thought I deserved to be treated badly.  I know no one would ever think that or make me feel like that. I thought that. I don't know what factors specifically contributed to my belief that I deserved to be treated like that, but I don't blame any of my family or friends for it. It does my soul good to let these feelings out, I'm glad that I can use this space for such things :)

Okay, now to figure out what's happening regarding birthday celebrations the next few weeks.

7/10- What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more.

A topic that weighs on my mind from time to time (sometimes more heavily than others) is love, dating, and all that.  Can I just say that I hate the whole game without any reprimand? Well, I do.  I always have. I know many people have issues with dating, and we’ve all had embarrassing/scarring experiences over the years. But, there’s something about being fat and dating that is just unbearable at times.  Now, I’m not talking about those of you who have never been more than 20-30lbs overweight. I’m sorry, but you won’t understand what I’m talking about. At that weight, you’re still a reasonable size; most guys won’t see you as all that different from when you’re at your goal weight.  Those of you who have ever been 100lbs or more overweight know what I mean. 

It’s the countless moments when a guy fears you might like him- you can see it in his eyes. I’ve experienced that almost my whole life.  Remember being like 10 and someone telling your crush you liked him, and he would freak, call you gross, and tell you to your face that he would never ever like you? It’s like that, but you’re an adult, and it’s no longer acceptable to push him off the monkey bars.  They get more subtle about it, but it still hurts.  Now, they make sure to bring up a girlfriend, or say how hot another girl is, hit on your friend, or simply excuse themselves out of the conversation.  It just sucks.  And the thing is, I can’t blame them. I mean, I get it. I’m not some supermodel. I’m fat.  I wouldn’t date a guy who was as overweight as I am simply because I know the absolute lack of self-control it takes to get to this point.

The flip side of that is that you get conditioned to guys treating you like that. So, when some guy comes along who isn’t such a jerk, you get interested. You start accepting the bare minimum because, well, it’s better than nothing. And when they start treating you like shit, you take it because who knows if another guy will ever want to date you again. Your self-esteem is so shot, so low, so non-existent that you actually believe you deserve it.  And there are those guys out there who can sense it. They prey on the women with low self-esteem (fat, skinny, whatever).  They treat them terribly until they’re either so bored with how much the girl has endured from them that they leave, or the girl finally wises up and dumps them.  I wish I could say I’ve fallen into the latter category more than the former, but that would be a lie. I won't go into all the details here, let's just say that I'm ashamed at what I've let guys get away with over the years.

A few of the more shameful ones I can recall are the ones who told me in one way or another that I really needed to lose weight.  They weren't wrong, but it worried me. Everyone tells you that same lie that "it's what's on the inside that counts." If that's the case, then did I not have enough to offer? Was I not smart enough? Not funny enough? Not a good conversationalist? And, frankly, it was scary to wonder about that. I mean, if I lost the weight, but nothing else changed, would I ever be enough for any guy? And if I wasn't, then what I would possibly use to explain to people why I was still single? It all just added to my own self-loathing. And it meant I continued to date guys who treated me as less than and somehow always felt like I deserved it.

As I’ve lost weight, I’ve gotten significantly more confident. I’ve been more ambitious regarding my career. I’ve finally declared my own independence by moving out on my own. I’ve taken charge of my finances. I’m getting better with so many different aspects of my life, but I still worry about dating and all that. I’ve gone on a few dates here and there since Aaron and I broke up last June. I just worry still that I’ll revert back to the fat-girl mentality. It’s been all I’ve ever really known. I now find myself wondering if I should even bother trying right now.  Maybe I should wait until I’ve reached my goal weight and then I will not have to wonder if it’s a guy like all the other guys. But then, if I’m really gaining so much self-esteem, does it really matter? I don’t know. For now, I’m open to it, still cautious about it, and just hoping that as I work on everything else, that aspect will just fall into place one of these days. 

I know this is mainly meant for weight-loss stories and what’s happening each week with all that, but I’ve been thinking about this topic for a long time, like, years. And, I wanted to share in case anyone else feels like I do too. We’re not alone. And we deserve to be loved by a good man/woman too.

7/7- Light 'em up, up, up, I'm on fire

Weight Loss for the Week- 0 lbs

Let me start by saying exactly how over my sunburn I am.  Parts of my back are still in pain thanks to some blisters, but I'm hoping the Neosporin will fix that.  The more annoying part was that it made it too painful to exercise for about the first half of the week- I mean I about cried from the pain and just had to wait the dang burn out.

I have been able to get in walks the last few days, thankfully.  I'm glad I'll be able to get back on schedule this week now that the sunburn is calming down.

Tutoring was good this week, fairly slow due to the holiday, but good nonetheless. And when I stayed with Ashly, we went to a used bookstore and the Goodwill and I got a bunch of books and a few odds and ends I still needed for my apartment.  Then, we attempted to see the Munford fireworks show, but it got late and we were getting tired, so we went back to her house and chilled instead.

I had a nice 4th of July- my mom, brother, grandmother, and I went to see The Heat first.  It was so funny! I was busting a gut laughing!  Then, we had lunch with Ashly and one of my brother's friends.  Very filling and very tasty, I was glad to get to take some of the leftovers home.  That evening, a friend of mine joined me and we watched fireworks from all over the county up on the roof.  A good number of residents and their friends were there too. It was pretty cool to get a 360 degree view of all the shows in town :)

I have also been checking on another friend's furry babies this weekend- two dogs, two guinea pigs, and some fish.  The dogs warmed up to me pretty easily, especially when I got their food out. The guinea pigs hid in sheer terror each day.  I know they ate since the food was always gone, but they didn't even peek out of their little spaces when I would open the cages to fee them.  The fish didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Otherwise, it's been a relaxing weekend.  I finally started going through all the random stuff I still have at my mom's house- I am simply amazed at how much crap I just toss into drawers, etc. thinking "I may need this later, so I'll save it and see."  For the most part, the stuff is ending up in the trash.  Yay for downsizing, right? I've also been taking advantage of the roof deck and had fun chatting with a few neighbors up there last night for a lot longer than I had planned. 

Now, I'm figuring out the week ahead and trying to make plans to see some people after tutoring ends and before school begins :)