Sorry to have missed last week's post. Will explain.
Weight Loss for Last Week: 1.5lbs
Weight Loss for This Week: 4lbs
We'll do the previous week first. It was a pretty good week. I went without caffeine during the week for the first time in a really long time and had a lot more water instead. I went out a few times, friends were having parties and get togethers so lots of pre-figuring out what I could and wanted to eat to enjoy myself and stay on track. It worked fairly well and I only really splurged twice, once with a friend early in the week and once on a date.
This past week I know looks good for all the weight loss, but it wasn't a good week. My boyfriend broke up with me Monday night. That was part of why I didn't post last Sunday, we have been doing the talks that eventually led to the big talk and one was on Saturday night after our dinner. Last Sunday, I just didn't want to think about it and kept myself crazy busy with other projects, etc. I tried to avoid the internet because I knew I'd just sit looking at his Facebook page or something.
Monday came, I went over to his place and we talked about our issues for an hour and a half. At first, it seemed like he wanted to figure things out and I started to feel like maybe, just maybe, it would all work out. Then, the conversation began to turn. His focus became more about his main issue- a difference of religions. He's Jewish, I'm Catholic. He couldn't see how to guarantee it would work out. Neither could I. But I came up with idea after idea after idea and finally it occurred to me that he wasn't saying no to the ideas because they were bad or unhelpful. He was saying no because he didn't want to try. He was done, he was over our relationship. And that devastated me.
It's not that this issue was new to me. We've had this conversation before- that was the January issue. But I put so much effort and time in to this relationship and trying to work on this issue that it upset me, it pissed me off, it made me feel worthless that he was just done and in looking back had probably been done since February when we were both supposed to be trying to make it work but he never really tried. Not anything that I can think of in all truth.
Since that night, I have cried each day. I have had to remind myself that it's over when I wake up each morning. I have to keep from texting him. I can't let myself look at his Facebook profile. I try to make myself believe that it's his issue, not mine and that I'm not worthless even if I wasn't worth his time. I can't help but remember all the good times and then have to force myself to focus on his faults and our disagreements and try to think of reasons why it wouldn't have worked. I want his voice out of my head. I want to forget how it felt when he touched me or kissed me or hugged me. I want to close my eyes and not see his smile. I hate how funny things or good news makes me want to call him and share because then it feels less funny, less good when I remember that I can't. I just hate missing him. I'm just exhausted by all of these emotions. I'm numb half the time, crying a third of the time and working on moving on the rest of the time.
During this week of feeling so out of control, Weight Watchers really did help. My points and food were one of the few things I felt I had total control over, even though I didn't necessarily want to eat. It was routine, it was familiar and it was something I knew was good for me when the main part of the week wasn't good for me. I had days where I didn't use all my points and a few where I went well past them. I tried to be active, but mainly just went to friends homes to avoid crying in my bed all night. It's just a process. But I am thankful that I've been doing this for long enough now that I calculate points without giving it a second thought so I can work on staying on track through this trying time.
I did continue to go to work because staying home crying all day wasn't going to magically solve everything, it wasn't going to make him want to work on our relationship and it wasn't going to make me anything but sick. And that was probably for the best. My kids hugged me plenty, my colleagues were very nice and sympathetic and offered me advice and all. And going to work and focusing on the kids reminded me that I have other things in life to continue to focus on and that while my relationship with my ex was a big part of my life, it wasn't my whole life.
My friends and family have been awesome and supportive through all of this. They made sure I've been eating. They've let me cry, they've let me be angry, they've let me talk about other crap. And they've reminded me of all the horrible relationships they've been in over the years and how they survived, pulled through and moved on to bigger and better things.
I may not feel like I will be able to move on anytime soon, but their stories remind me that one day, I will. One day, I will find a man who will want to make time for me, to put forth the effort for me and to love me like I deserve to be loved. Until that day, I will continue to become the person I want to be- focusing on my lifestyle changes for my health, bettering my career, improving relationships with friends and family members and taking time each day to do something I love.
The last paragraph. Bravo, rather, brava.
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